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A telephonic conversation between Mani Ratnam & Abhishek Bachchan.
Ring! Ring!
Abhishek Bachchan (AB) :- Hello?
Mani Ratnam (MR) :- Hey Abhi it's me Mani.
AB :- Yo Mani wassup man? What do you want?
MR :- Money!
AB :- Ya i recognized your voice, I asked what do you want?
MR :- Money money
AB :- Huh? you want yourself so desperately?
MR :- Arey no you idiot! Money...the thing we film people have abundance of.
AB :- Oh! i see,so how do you plan to earn it?
MR :- With your help. I was thinking lets do a modern version of the Ramayana. I hear something like this has brought a lot of money in a guy named Ashok Banker's er...bank.
AB :- Yo man that sounds cool, so do i get to play like Ram or somethin'? Y'know bows, arrows n' all?
MR :- No,no no bows & arrows, there's a twist. I was thinking of doing it from the point of view of Raavan.
AB :- Raavan? but wasn't he like a really nasty fellow?
MR :- Yes,yes Raavan was a terrible demon & as it is your acting is terrible so you won't have any problems getting into the skin of the character. Plus i am giving you the liberty to ham & go OTT this time.
AB :- How OTT?
MR :- Think of a cross between Heath ledger's Joker on weed & Nana Patekar.
AB :- Boy! that's as hammy as ham can get. Hmm...cool I'm liking it. So what will this character be called?
[ Mani hasn't thought of a name,he starts looking around frantically for something to inspire him. Suddenly his eyes fall upon an empty beer bottle. He starts thinking to himself in a south indian accent- "beer-a, beer-a" ]
MR :- Beera! we'll call him Beera.
AB :- Beera, awesome. Ok so who's the leading lady gonna be?
MR :- I was thinking why don't you approach Aishwarya with this? that way I can text the shooting schedule to either one of you & you can inform your spouse & I'll save money on my phone bills. he he.
AB :- Oh Mani you miser. So what will her role be?
MR :- She'll play a modern version of Sita. Don't worry all she has to do throughout the film is shriek & scream just like she's doing right now. I can hear her in the background.
AB [angrily] :- Aye Mani, she's not screaming man,she's laughing. Pink panther 2 is playing on TV.
MR :- Then what is she laughing at?
[silence for 2 seconds]
Ahem...i digress. While we're on the topic of raking in the moolah why not double the fun? I was thinking of doing the same film in Tamil. Are you up for it?
AB :- er...no i don't do the tamil accent, i only do hindi & a fake NRI american accent.
MR :- Hmm...in that case I'll have to rope in Vikram who will play Ram in the hindi version to play Raavan in the tamil version.
AB :- So Vikram will be the villain in the tamil version?
MR :- No, he'll be the hero
AB :- But you just said he'll play Raavan.
MR :- Yes
AB :- So wasn't Raavan the villain in the Ramayana?
MR :- Aiyo rascal! don't confuse me!
AB :- OK ok chill...hey Mani just hold on my manservant is here [to his manservant] ye saare shoe polishes expire ho gaye hai inko le jao.
MR [frantically] :- Aye Abhi wait wait! don't throw away your boot polish collection I will need it to paint your face in the movie.
AB :- What?
MR :- Yes, in order to show the audience that you're a dark person on the inside we'll smear your face with boot polish. But don't worry your teeth will be sparkling white, a leading tooth paste brand is going to sponsor the film.
AB :- Whatever dude....you're strange guy Mani. Anyways, how are you planning to promote this film?
MR :- I was thinking of screening the first look of the film at the Cannes film festival. As it is your wife keeps going there every year wearing hideous dresses, she must be knowing a film projectionist or two, ask her to pull some strings no?
AB :- But why Cannes?
MR :- Arey these foreign film critics don't know the ABC of hindi films they give any lethargic, good for nothing film great reviews & shower it with praise. So once that happens our film will get good momentum.
AB :- But how do you know about foreign critics praising worthless films?
MR :- They praised Delhi-6.
[Both men laugh uncontrollably for the next 1 minute]
& of course you can go to the song & dance reality shows & do your jhatka-matka.
AB :- Dance se yaad aaya, what about the music of the film?
MR :- Don't worry i hacked into Rahman's computer & stole his leftover tunes from Guru. We'll use them, as it is Rahman is in L.A composing for some hollywood film he won't come to know. he he he.
AB :- But Mani, simply going to fake reality shows & giving fake contestants fake praises isn't enough nowadays. We need some big fat controversy to really propel our movie forwards.
MR :- Do not worry my child i have even figured that out. 2 weeks before the release you will go to all the news channels & start praising Raavan the demon. Once you do that all the Ram/Shiv/Shankar senas will be charging at us like mad hungry bulls, & start tearing posters, burning effigies...you know the drill. Also add that you're glad that Raavan chose Lanka for the battle & not Maharashtra, that'll wake up certain regional parties out of hibernation, and they'll come after us as well. And if we're really really lucky then someone will issue a fatwa against us. Bas. Picture hit.
AB :- What an idea sirji! you're great Mani.
MR :- I know bwahahahahaha! by the way that's the laugh i want you to practice for Raavan.
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Abhishek hangs up. Turns to Aishwarya starts bulging his eyes, making weird faces, puts up 10 fingers & says loudly "DAS SARO WALA"!!.
Aishwarya starts screaming...or is she laughing?
