My Oscar predictions for 2011

[My apologies for the font irregularities.]

So it’s that time of the year again when the Academy of motion picture arts & sciences will be handing out the bald, golden, naked man with a staff (that probably came out wrong *wink*) to the best of the best in the year gone by. Well, judging by the nominations they seem to have gotten most of the stuff in the right place. But then again like always there are epic UFO sized blunders too.

So, I decided to throw my 5 rupees into the ring & make predictions as to who might win, who might upset & while I’m at it also hand out a few Oscars of my own to the underdogs :) (You are free to suggest what my version of the Oscars should be called in the comments section because I’m just too lazy to think of a cool/lousy name). So here goes…

(Of course I’m wasted & jobless but even then I don’t have the time to predict the winners from ALL the Oscar categories, so I have just listed the major ones)

1. BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Who will win :- Colin Firth for ‘the King’s Speech’. This smart Britisher is the frontrunner having already bagged a BAFTA, & a Golden Globe for his performance as the stuttering King George VI in a film that’s been giving film critics around the world intense orgasms (94% on Rotten Tomatoes!). He was being touted for a Best Actor Oscar even before the film released. Looking forward to Colin’s…um…speech.

Who might upset:- Jesse Eisenberg for ‘The Social Network’. Although the chances of this happening are 1567894 : 1 you never know when the Academy springs up an unpleasant surprise. Eisenberg scores points for playing the fidgety facebook founder to perfection, making geekiness cool & making Zuckerberg who is already a pop culture icon, into an even bigger pop culture icon.

Who I give it to:- James Franco for ‘127 hours’. The movie would have fallen flat on its face if it wasn’t for Franco’s spirited performance. Despite just being a guy trapped by a boulder in a canyon Franco shows a terrific range throughout.

2. BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Who will win:- Natalie Portman for ‘The Black Swan’. The pretty young (& heavily pregnant) actress is almost certain to bag her 2^nd Oscar for portraying the Ballet dancer Nina in Aronofsky’s thriller. I just hope she doesn’t deliver a baby on stage while accepting her award.

Who might upset:- Annette Benning for ‘The Kids are alright’. The Oscars love to award actors who portray homosexuals, and Benning’s performance has been much loved & lauded in this tale of 2 lesbians who are out to seek the biological father of their teenage children.

Who I give it to:- Nicole Kidman for ‘Rabbit Hole’. Throughout most of the film it’s Kidman’s eyes & body language that do the talking & deliver the pain of a young mother who has lost a child. It’s a restrained performance, one of Kidman’s best in her entire career & this underrated actress should actually get her due.

Blunder:- No Julianne Moore for ‘The Kids are alright’. *throws tomato at the frailest looking academy member*

3. BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE (MALE)

Who will win:- Christian Bale for ‘The Fighter’. The actor who is looking rather Jesus Christ-y nowadays what with the long hair & the beard etc. will most probably score a win on the night for the gritty portrayal of the once promising & later drug addict boxer Dicky Ecklund.

Who might upset:- Geoffery Rush for ‘The King’s Speech’. Rush, who plays a speech therapist to the King in the film, is an acting veteran, someone who has been at it for years & the academy might just tilt this into Rush’s favour as they often give an upper hand to experienced cadres.

Who I give it to:- Jeremy Renner for ‘The Town’. Renner was a powerhouse in Affleck’s heist movie with his aggression really coming forth. It was Jem's uneasiness & rebellion that kept the tension in the film alive.

Blunder:- Andrew Garfield not nominated for his portrayal of Eduardo Saverin in ‘The Social Network’. Boo!

4. BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE (FEMALE)

Who will win:- Mellisa Leo for ‘The Fighter’. 'The Fighter' basically sails through on the basis of its acting performances so it's not surprising that it gets nominations in all 4 acting categories. Mellisa Leo is the favourite to win here for playing the chain smoking, brash mother cum manager of Dicky Ecklund & Micky Ward.

Who might upset:- Helena Bonham Carter for ‘The King’s Speech’. Carter who plays queen to Firth’s King George has surprisingly not scored any major win this season despite the film being a darling at most award ceremonies & her performance being lauded. But, for some reason I get the feeling that her performance might charm the pants of the Oscar jury. Plus she’s really hot in a weird kinda way. Just saying.

Who I give it to:- Hailee Steinfeild for ‘True Grit’. Because it would be a lot fun to see a kid to shove dirt in the faces of such stalwarts & well, a Coen brothers film HAS to win something at the Oscars.

5. BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Who will win:- Aaron Sorkin for ‘The Social Network’. Aaron Sorkin deserves as much credit for the success of TSN as director David Fincher. Adapted from the book ‘The accidental billionaires’ by Ben Mezrich, Sorkin, served up a screenplay that was racy, energetic & terrific. Employing a non-linear pattern & keeping the story tight almost making it unfold like a thriller. Well, no complaints here. The man deserves it if he wins.

Who might upset:- Simon Boufay for ‘127 hours’. By no means an easy story to make into a movie, Danny Boyle’s long time collaborator Boufay once again spun his web post ‘Slumdog’ & wrote an excellent screenplay that takes us on a rollercoaster ride. Although even here the chances of an upset are very very less.

Who I give it to:- I’d also give it to Aaron Sorkin :) simply put, there was no one better than him this year.

6. BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Who will win:- ‘The King’s speech’. Yet to see the film so can’t really elaborate on how good the screenplay is, but considering the amount of praise the film has garnered it’s bound to be one of a kind. One more jewel in the King’s crown (Am I going overboard with the royal puns?)

Who might upset:- ‘Inception’. Christopher Nolan being the genius that he is served us with a legendary screenplay that turned the viewer into a participant. The meticulous mind-bender won a hell of a lot of acclaim apart from being a box office bonanza & Nolan might just clinch this one. Too bad this is the only category he has been nominated for. Fingers crossed.

Who I give it to:- ‘The Kids are alright’. It would be really nice to see a moderate budget-indie flick to walk away with such a major award, because the chances of ‘kids’ winning any award apart from the acting categories are slim.

7. BEST DIRECTOR

Remember that epic UFO sized blunder I talked about up there? Well that was actually a gross understatement, because the blunder done in this category is way beyond. If a UFO was crossed with Noah’s ark & the result was then crossed over with a Tyrannosaurus Rex, then we'd roughly have an idea of the size of the blunder.

I mean no Christopher Nolan? WHAT THE F***K?

The man who directed a film that pushed the boundaries & brought about this avalanche all through the online forums/ social networks gets snubbed? SHAME!

As a Chris Nolan loyalist I boycott this category this year. I don’t care who wins but most probably it’ll be David Fincher. Sorry Academy, but screw you. You’ve committed the biggest Oscar blunder since 1990 when you gave ‘Dances with the wolves’ best Picture instead of ‘Goodfellas’. Had Nolan been nominated it would’ve been a really close fight, but the fact that he wasn’t clearly makes him the winner.

8. BEST ORIGINAL SCORE

Who will win:- Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross for ‘The Social Network’. The dynamic duo literally pump life into the movie with their eclectic mix of electronica & industrial rock tunes. A very different & ‘avant garde’ soundtrack but mind blowing none the less.

Who might upset:- Alexandre Desplat for ‘The King’s Speech’. Desplat is an upcoming French composer whose works have been very impressive. Apart from ‘King’ he also displayed his ahem…wizardry for ‘Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows pt. 1’ this year & will be returning for Pt.2. And surprise surprise, the man also scored for ‘Twilight: New Moon’ becoming probably the only person on the planet equally loved by twi-hards & Pottermaniacs. He’s already won the BAFTA & if the Academy opt to give the prize for a taditional orchestral score, then Desplat has it.

Who I give it to:- Need I say it? Of course A.R.Rahman for ‘127 hours’. Well, not just because of the pariotic fervour, but because I genuinely feel that that movie was really a difficult one to score considering most of the action takes place in silence & involves very little dialogue. Though I think Rahman has a sure shot chance to win for the ‘Original Song’ category, its tough to clinch this one. Any which way it’ll be a treat to see Rahman perform at the ceremony.

…and finally

9. BEST PICTURE

Who will win:- ‘The Social Network’. Yes the facebook fable is going to go home victorious that night. At least that’s what I believe. A well made film that got everyone’s attention regardless of whether they were facebookers or not. A coming out party for talented actors we’ve not seen much on screen but will definitely see a lot in the future. And a legendary director at the forefront to pull it all through. The Social Network was the movie to beat this year & so it will be at the Oscars.

Who might upset:- ‘The King’s Speech’. If there is any film that can spoil the fun for Fincher & co. then it is only Tom Hooper’s period drama. It has the momentum going for it, & in the last few months has been winning dollops of awards one after the other. It’s a close call that’s for sure. But I still think Zuckerberg will Poke King George out ;)

Who I give it to:- ‘Inception’. For all the reasons I mentioned above & also because it’s sad that despite making such a good film, the makers will unfortunately go back empty handed save for the technical awards. :(

So that was that, let's see how many I get right. For once I'm excited about a monday morning :)

And here is my personal list of the 10 best films of 2010

Why Twilight is ideal for an Ekta Kapoor adaptation.

According to this report Ekta Kapoor is supposedly planning to do an Indian TV serial based on the popular ‘Twilight’ series of books/movies created by Stephenie Meyer. Now personally I am as enchanted by Ekta Kapoor serials & Twilight as Paris Hilton is by Mughal history, but come to think of it, Twilight is pretty ideal for an Ekta Kapoor adaptation. Here are my top 5 reasons why:-

1. VAMPIRES DON’T FREAKIN’ DIE!!! Yup. That’s the first & foremost reason she’s doing this for. The (il)logical loophole Ekta was searching for for all these years. Imagine, no jhanjat of ‘punar janams’ or ‘exact lookalikes’ or ‘plastic surgeries’, get the guy/gal to live for as long as possible, it makes everything so much more convenient. Now there’s no need to even put that single strand of white hair when the serial takes a 57 year leap forward . All the characters can be as healthy & vivacious as ‘Baa’ (not the black sheep variety) for all of eternity. :)


2. Even though I couldn’t manage to get myself beyond the first 50 odd pages of the 1st Twilight novel, my twi-hard friends tell me that later on in the ‘story’ (he he) it is revealed that Edward Cullen isn’t keen on doing the...ahem… hanky-panky before he marries Bella Swan. Well, isn’t that a trademark of the sabhya susheel hero of an Ekta Kapoor TV programme? Vachan jaaye par virginity naa jaye? Er …or something along those lines! I can envision family conversation in the huge Ekta mansions where the mom’s telling the dad- ‘Aji aajkal aise vampire kahaan milte hain!’

3. The 1st Twilight movie wasn’t great but was bearable. 'New Moon' on the other hand should officially be declared as a sleep inducing drug. Anyways the point I want to make is it doesn’t matter if you don’t know a rat’s ass about acting. All you need in order to make a Twilight adaptation a success is to LOOK GOOD ON SCREEN. Full stop. And isn’t that precisely what all of Ekta’s serials are about. I mean exchange her ‘actors’ with well sculpted statues & you won’t be able to tell the difference. So go ahead & find a replica of the gloomily gorgeous Kristen Stewart & a certain British bloke called…some Pattinson or something. (Alright girls you can scream)

4. Now with the vampires being immortal & freezing at a particular age there’ll finally be an explanation for the sons & daughters of the characters looking as old if not older than their parents. What’s more Ekta can dedicate 3 entire episodes just to the vampire mother’s dilemma of wanting to suck her son’s blood. Slow mo close up of mommy’s fangs…slow mo close up of baby…slow mo close up of mommy’s fangs…slow mo close of baby…slow mo close up of mommy’s fangs…slow mo close up of baby…& all this while cymbals will be crashing & temple bells going berserk for the background track.

5. Almost all of Ekta’s serials revolve around a love track between a boy/man & a girl/woman being screwed up by the unveiling of a third party, intentionally giving birth to a love triangle. Working on Twilight gives Kapoor the liberty of depicting a love triangle with a werewolf (played in the movies by Taylor “I-swear-to-God-I’ll-never-put-a-shirt-on” Lautner) involved. So finally there will be justification for her actor’s being hairy, howling & jumping around.


So there you go. Let Ekta unleash her brand of blood-suckers on us…wait isn’t that what she’s been doing all along?

My apologies to all the twi-hards. As a big time Pottermaniac I know how it feels when someone pokes fun at your favourite franchise. Maybe you guys can write a funny piece on Potter sometime.

(P.S:- I was kidding. If you do that I’ll set a dementor on your tail)

On a slightly different note, if anybody wants to get their vampire fix it’ll be much better to check out the following

Books:- Stephen King's Salem's Lot (you WILL check your windows before going to sleep), Interview with the vampire by Ann Rice, or the grand daddy of all vampires- Bram Stoker's Dracula.

TV shows:- The vampire diaries (which IMO is waaay cooler than twilight), True blood.

Movies:- Vampires, 30 days of night, Nosferatu (the best one even though it came out in 1922 & is a silent film, or you can check out the more recent 2000 remake of it- Shadow of the vampire), & of course "Bandh darwaza" the eternal Ramsay brothers classic (LOL).

How "Raavan" was conceived.

Here's probably how the so called "film" Raavan was conceived.
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A telephonic conversation between Mani Ratnam & Abhishek Bachchan.

Ring! Ring!

Abhishek Bachchan (AB) :- Hello?

Mani Ratnam (MR) :- Hey Abhi it's me Mani.

AB :- Yo Mani wassup man? What do you want?

MR :- Money!

AB :- Ya i recognized your voice, I asked what do you want?

MR :- Money money

AB :- Huh? you want yourself so desperately?

MR :- Arey no you idiot! Money...the thing we film people have abundance of.

AB :- Oh! i see,so how do you plan to earn it?

MR :- With your help. I was thinking lets do a modern version of the Ramayana. I hear something like this has brought a lot of money in a guy named Ashok Banker's er...bank.

AB :- Yo man that sounds cool, so do i get to play like Ram or somethin'? Y'know bows, arrows n' all?

MR :- No,no no bows & arrows, there's a twist. I was thinking of doing it from the point of view of Raavan.

AB :- Raavan? but wasn't he like a really nasty fellow?

MR :- Yes,yes Raavan was a terrible demon & as it is your acting is terrible so you won't have any problems getting into the skin of the character. Plus i am giving you the liberty to ham & go OTT this time.

AB :- How OTT?

MR :- Think of a cross between Heath ledger's Joker on weed & Nana Patekar.

AB :- Boy! that's as hammy as ham can get. Hmm...cool I'm liking it. So what will this character be called?

[ Mani hasn't thought of a name,he starts looking around frantically for something to inspire him. Suddenly his eyes fall upon an empty beer bottle. He starts thinking to himself in a south indian accent- "beer-a, beer-a" ]

MR :- Beera! we'll call him Beera.

AB :- Beera, awesome. Ok so who's the leading lady gonna be?

MR :- I was thinking why don't you approach Aishwarya with this? that way I can text the shooting schedule to either one of you & you can inform your spouse & I'll save money on my phone bills. he he.

AB :- Oh Mani you miser. So what will her role be?

MR :- She'll play a modern version of Sita. Don't worry all she has to do throughout the film is shriek & scream just like she's doing right now. I can hear her in the background.

AB [angrily] :- Aye Mani, she's not screaming man,she's laughing. Pink panther 2 is playing on TV.

MR :- Then what is she laughing at?

[silence for 2 seconds]

Ahem...i digress. While we're on the topic of raking in the moolah why not double the fun? I was thinking of doing the same film in Tamil. Are you up for it?

AB :- er...no i don't do the tamil accent, i only do hindi & a fake NRI american accent.

MR :- Hmm...in that case I'll have to rope in Vikram who will play Ram in the hindi version to play Raavan in the tamil version.

AB :- So Vikram will be the villain in the tamil version?

MR :- No, he'll be the hero

AB :- But you just said he'll play Raavan.

MR :- Yes

AB :- So wasn't Raavan the villain in the Ramayana?

MR :- Aiyo rascal! don't confuse me!

AB :- OK ok chill...hey Mani just hold on my manservant is here [to his manservant] ye saare shoe polishes expire ho gaye hai inko le jao.

MR [frantically] :- Aye Abhi wait wait! don't throw away your boot polish collection I will need it to paint your face in the movie.

AB :- What?

MR :- Yes, in order to show the audience that you're a dark person on the inside we'll smear your face with boot polish. But don't worry your teeth will be sparkling white, a leading tooth paste brand is going to sponsor the film.

AB :- Whatever dude....you're strange guy Mani. Anyways, how are you planning to promote this film?

MR :- I was thinking of screening the first look of the film at the Cannes film festival. As it is your wife keeps going there every year wearing hideous dresses, she must be knowing a film projectionist or two, ask her to pull some strings no?

AB :- But why Cannes?

MR :- Arey these foreign film critics don't know the ABC of hindi films they give any lethargic, good for nothing film great reviews & shower it with praise. So once that happens our film will get good momentum.

AB :- But how do you know about foreign critics praising worthless films?

MR :- They praised Delhi-6.

[Both men laugh uncontrollably for the next 1 minute]

& of course you can go to the song & dance reality shows & do your jhatka-matka.

AB :- Dance se yaad aaya, what about the music of the film?

MR :- Don't worry i hacked into Rahman's computer & stole his leftover tunes from Guru. We'll use them, as it is Rahman is in L.A composing for some hollywood film he won't come to know. he he he.

AB :- But Mani, simply going to fake reality shows & giving fake contestants fake praises isn't enough nowadays. We need some big fat controversy to really propel our movie forwards.

MR :- Do not worry my child i have even figured that out. 2 weeks before the release you will go to all the news channels & start praising Raavan the demon. Once you do that all the Ram/Shiv/Shankar senas will be charging at us like mad hungry bulls, & start tearing posters, burning effigies...you know the drill. Also add that you're glad that Raavan chose Lanka for the battle & not Maharashtra, that'll wake up certain regional parties out of hibernation, and they'll come after us as well. And if we're really really lucky then someone will issue a fatwa against us. Bas. Picture hit.

AB :- What an idea sirji! you're great Mani.

MR :- I know bwahahahahaha! by the way that's the laugh i want you to practice for Raavan.
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Abhishek hangs up. Turns to Aishwarya starts bulging his eyes, making weird faces, puts up 10 fingers & says loudly "DAS SARO WALA"!!.

Aishwarya starts screaming...or is she laughing?